The Misadventures of Martin's Sword
by Dirk O'Reilly
Summary: Martin finally gets his comeuppance, sort of. Find out what happens when ORCC gets its paws on Martin and his FORCCs. A little humorous, hopefully. Rated T just to be safe.
1. OTAT: Prologue

**A/N: **OK, this is supposed to be a little funny. It'll deal with some of the things in Redwall that bothered me. If you have any suggestions, please let me know.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Redwall. Don't eat me. However, I do own ORCC and all its associated parts. So, without further ado, I give you:

**The Misadventures of Martin's Sword**

**Part One: Of Trouble and Troubadours**

**Prologue**

Matthias looked up irately as somebeast began yelling in his face. Still typing with his left paw, he handed a clipboard stuffed with paperwork over the counter to the yelling creature with the other. "Fill this out, sir." He refocused upon typing, ignoring the mutterings of the other creature.

The creature who had just been yelling looked down at the top form on the clipboard.

**Full Legal Name:**

**Nickname (if any):**

**Marital Status:**

The list continued on and on, but he ignored it. Stomping back over to the reception desk, he slammed the clipboard onto the counter. "I'm not filling this out," he complained. Matthias sighed and stopped typing.

"I'm sorry, sir. It's protocol. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of work to do for Methuselah." The creature growled. He slammed the clipboard over Matthias's computer screen.

"I am that is, look at me!" he commanded. Matthias heaved a heavy sigh. He leaned back in his chair, putting his paws behind his head.

"Don't call me that, Martin."

Martin spluttered. His transparent paw dropped down to his sword hilt. Matthias lunged forward, grabbing for the transparent sword. Martin was too quick; drawing the blade, he skittered backwards across the linoleum of the reception room floor. Matthias moaned as little red alarms began to flash all around the room.

He ran over to a keypad on the wall, punching in a four-digit code. The alarms stopped, along with the flashing lights. The phone on the desk began ringing and Matthias scurried back to answer it. Hitting the button for speaker, he said, "Sorry, Methuselah. Though I'd appreciate it next time if you let me know when, uh, somebeast _exasperating _was coming."

Martin growled again. "I am _not_ exasperating."

Methuselah's aged voice crackled over the speaker, "Really, Matthias," he chided, "you shouldn't talk like that about other beasts to their faces. It's not polite."

Martin spluttered again. "Matthias! You're the Warrior of Redwall! You can't be rude, especially to me." Matthias folded his paws over his chest. Looking up, he remarked:

"You have no idea what this place is, do you?" Martin shook his head. "This is the ORCC." Martin cocked an eyebrow. "Office of Redwall Canon Corrections."

"So what am I doing here? I am practically the epitome of Redwall canon." Martin struck a noble pose, drawing his sword for effect. Matthias moaned, slamming his head on the desk as the annoying alarms and lights turned back on. Over the speaker, four little beeps could be heard. Matthias was about to slam his head on the desk again, but stopped midway when he noticed the alarms and lights were gone.

"Thanks Methuselah," he gasped.

Martin glared with transparent eyes at his transparent sword, which had been automatically returned to its hilt. Then he stared at Matthias. "And what are you doing? You can't handle little annoying buzzes? You were the original Redwall Champion, for the claw's sake."

Matthias looked up from where he had been rubbing his head. He sighed deeply. "All right Martin, just think about what you just said."

"You being a pansy?"

Matthias glowered. "No, before that."

"About me being the epitome of Redwall canon?" Martin was ready to strike another noble pose, reaching for his sword.

Matthias was better prepared this time. He leapt forward, cracking a heavy wooden staff across Martin's right paw. Martin yelped. "What was that for?" Awkwardly, he tried to draw his sword with his left paw. Matthias grappled with him.

"Because," he gritted, trying to deal with the _exasperating _mouse warrior, "ORCC, remember? Canon _correction_. We've already completed a good portion of the work, but you keep making more bad or errored canon." Martin tried to bite down on Matthias's paw, but Matthias twisted Martin's arm around behind his back. Panting, he continued, "So the CORCC decided- that's the Council of Redwall Canon Correction, the CORCC decided we would correct the source to stop the flow."

Methuselah's voice came out of the phone on Matthias's desk. "Yes, Martin, we came up with that brilliant plan when even Rose stopped liking you. Show him the charts Matthias."

Matthias released his grip on Martin. "Gladly," he muttered, giving Martin a dark look. With a few clicks of his mouse and a few taps on the keyboard, Matthias pulled up the SORCC, stocks of Redwall canon correction. He waited until MRT rolled by on the live ticker. He clicked on it, and a detailed analysis popped up on screen. He opened the chart displaying total popularity. Matthias turned the web cam on top of the monitor around so that it was facing one of the blank walls.

With a few more clicks and adjustments, Martin's popularity ratings were displayed, blown up, upon the wall. Matthias zoomed in on the beginning. "As you can see Martin, you ratings steadily inclined, taking a huge leap after _Mossflower _hit bookstores." Matthias set the chart rolling steadily forward. "You hit your all-time high for a few years after _Martin_ _the_ _Warrior_ was published. But then, as is apparently clear, your popularity has been dropping ever since _Loamhedge _was released.

"We at ORCC were still trying to CC, canon correct, some minor characters in order to grow our staff. But then, you started producing more bad canon than we could handle. We've been on overload for quite some time now."

Methuselah added, "So Martin, it's up to you now. You have to help us correct the bad canon, especially the bad canon you've been single-pawedly responsible for creating. They're monsters." Matthias and Martin could almost hear Methuselah shiver.

Martin was too aghast to strike a noble pose – but Matthias had his staff in paw, just in case. Martin tried to decide whether to glare at Matthias or at the telephone. He settled on Matthias. "So why can't you deal with him? You have I am that is to help." Matthias whacked Martin's arm. "_Ow_, what was that for?"

"For being a ninny. And calling me I am that is. We can't stop these creatures. They're FORCCs!"

"Foes of Redwall Canon Correction," Methuselah hurriedly explained. "We can't stop them because they don't just _hero_-worship you Martin, they live to _be_ you."

Matthias was tapping the end of his staff against his paw. "Remember 'I am that is'? I-Matthias? Well, thanks to you, every time I try and CC somebeast, they refuse because it would be going against canon. Which _you_ created."

"What headstrong Matthias is trying to say here Martin," Methuselah said a little more gently, but not much more, "is that FORCCs only listen to their creator. It's one of their characteristics."

"Fine," Martin huffed. He pointed a claw at Matthias, "But then how is _he_ here and not a fork?"

"FORCC," Matthias gritted, under his breath.

"Matthias can be here because he had a life before you came along. He had, I don't know, a _personality_…. I better come out there to help explain this. One minute." There was a loud dial tone as Methuselah disconnected the call. Matthias turned speakerphone off and hung up as well.

About half a minute later Methuselah shuffled in. He was wearing a dark green-brown habit, sandals around his footpaws. He shoved a copy of _Redwall _into Martin's paws. Martin looked down at the heroic young mouse standing on the cover, waving his sword, carrying a shield emblazoned with a large M. The young mouse also had a matching sword belt and scabbard.

Methuselah tapped a footpaw impatiently. "So then Martin, where were the scabbard, sword belt, and shield when every other Champion came along?" Martin looked sheepishly down.

"How do you expect to know, old mouse?" Methuselah sighed. Matthias would have sighed as well, but he was busy taking Ibuprofen.

Methuselah took the book back, glaring down his nose, through his spectacles. "Because, Martin, they are yours. Just as the FORCC's are. It is your duty to handle them."

Martin just stared blankly at Methuselah. He jumped in fright as Matthias suddenly said from behind him, "Would you prefer use to put that in complex riddle form? You seem to prefer those."

"Those are tests for the pre-Champions to endure!" Martin yelled furiously. Matthias barely managed to knock Martin's paw away from his sword hilt with his staff.

"Well, do they always have to come in times of danger? I was rather busy at the time." Matthias waved his free paw. "I had a maidfriend and I was a captain."

Methuselah was silently laughing behind the pair's backs. He quickly straightened his face as they looked at him. He coughed. "Matthias does have a valid point Martin. Finding a sword does not automatically save the abbey. As I remember one of the few good canon creatures managed to say something along the lines of 'A weapon does not always a warrior make.'"

Martin's face fell. "Well, _somebeast _had to find it. And it was as good a time as any, but I still don't see-"

Martin was cut off as Slagar entered the room. Slagar rolled his eyes. "Oh Hellgates, not him."

"Watch your language, Slagar," Methuselah said without turning around. Slagar watched his language and muttered something even fouler under his breath about 'old fools'. It was Matthias's turn to roll his eyes.

"Methuselah, remember, it was _Chickenhound_ that killed you, not Slagar. And Slagar, that was a horrible comeback." Methuselah muttered something that definitely was not appropriate.

Slagar shrugged. "It's not my fault Matthias. Being around him," he pointed at Martin, "gives me a headache." Matthias hurriedly stuffed his bottle of Ibuprofen into his tunic.

Methuselah coughed something that distinctly sounded like "Join the club," though it was unclear if he was talking about Martin or Slagar, or both. To be on the safe side, both of them glowered at Methuselah. Matthias might have too, but he was nastily trying to discreetly down some more Ibuprofen.

Turning back around, Matthias poked Slagar, "So, Slagar, why'd you come here?"

"What? Oh, there's an emergency ORCC meeting. You and Methuselah have to attend."

"You too?" Matthias clarified. Slagar nodded his hooded head. Glad to leave the reception room, and hopefully Martin, Matthias said, "Then what are we waiting for? Let's boogey."

"Ask Slagar what we should do about Martin." Methuselah told Matthias. Matthias looked at Slagar with a not-this-again look on his face.

"We can't leave him here unguarded," Slagar reasoned. "Might as well bring him along. The CORCC can figure it out when we get there." Methuselah looked at Matthias, as if waiting for an answer. Matthias just checked to make sure his bottle of Ibuprofen was still stowed safely in his tunic before heading out of a side door. Slagar followed afterwards, leaving Methuselah to shuffle out with Martin.

A four-beast golf cart was parked outside the door. Slagar pulled a key off of his belt. He started the ignition as Matthias hopped into the passenger seat. Martin looked at Matthias, paws clenched. "I always ride shotgun," he protested. Matthias just poked out his tongue impudently. Methuselah shoved Martin into the right backseat, climbing in after him. Methuselah propped his footpaws up on top of the driver's seat, right next to Slagar's head. Slagar twitched, but said nothing.

Once everybeast had fastened their seatbelt, Slagar shifted the golf cart into reverse. He backed out of his parking space by the reception building. Putting the cart into drive, he turned left out of the parking lot, driving across the ORCC campus towards the Council Building.


	2. OTAT: Pink is a Very Manly Color

**Review Reply: **Thanks to Kelaiah, my _only_ glares reviewer. Thanks for the very nice review! I was pretty certain about the spelling of Ascrod, but I had to look it up to be sure. And never fear, Triss will certainly be mentioned, but I didn't think of Deyna or _Loamhedge_…. I'll be sure to use them. I've never really had a crush on any character in the books…but umm…Keyla was pretty cool. narrows eyes This has something to do with "The Redwall Dating Game", doesn't it.

**A/N: **Just to clarify, I'm considering Chickenhound and Slagar different because of the huge personality change.

**Disclaimer:** ORCC, FORCC, CORRC, and SORCC, plus and other ORCC entities belong solely to me. I don't own any characters from the books.

**The Misadventures of Martin's Sword**

**Part One: Of Trouble and Troubadours**

**Chapter One: Pink is a _Very_ Manly Color**

Slagar hummed along with the radio he had installed into the golf cart, tapping his left paw in time to the music. "Can't you at least drive with both paws on the wheel," snapped Methuselah. Slagar took his right paw of the wheel and started driving with his knee; Matthias switched the radio station to 67.2 CRCK, and turned the volume up.

Martin clapped his paws over his ears as rock music blared in the golf cart. "What is that horrible noise?" he yelled. Slagar and Matthias glanced back, then shared a wink.

"I'm sorry Martin," Matthias apologized contritely. "We can listen to something else if you'd like." He turned around, unable to keep a straight face any longer.

Slagar reached out with a shaking paw – he was still driving with his knee – and began adjusting the radio dial. "How about this, Martin?" he asked gently. Methuselah jerked up from where he had been slumping over in his seat. Whenever a large fox with half of a deformed face with a muffed voice tries to sound gentle, something's usually wrong. Usually being the operative word.

The radio now flashed the station name 67.2 CRAG. "CRAG?" Martin was bemused until the cheery voice of a middle-aged mouse boomed out of the radio.

"Good afternoon, gentle- and verminbeasts! We're live from the studio, and we're still taking callers about the latest breaking news out in the non-ORCC world." A boo track played. Then another voice bubbled from the radio.

"We have a caller on line two, Gonff. Hi there, what's your opinion on all this?" Martin's eye slowly began to twitch.

A heavy growl emanated from "line two". "Well, this just spells bad news for us, doesn't it? Thou realizes, if badgers are in the next," there was a shuddering sound from line two, "there'll be another generic villain like me. I could have been so interesting, thou knows? But no, the CORC decided to give me very little motivation. In fact, I can't even remember how the Walking Stone tied in with those two squirrels."

"Thanks, Gulo," the mousemaid host said. Martin appeared to have heard none of what Gulo the Savage had said.

"Rose!" he screamed. He didn't even bother to draw his sword, hurling himself bodily at the radio. Matthias and Slagar were laughing so hard that Slagar had to pull over to the shoulder of the road. Even Methuselah smiled slightly as the trio watched Martin battle with the radio. After an entire minute of fighting, Martin had only succeeded in turning the radio up louder. By now Matthias had fallen out of the golf cart from laughing. Slagar was fumbling with his hood, trying to get it off so he could breathe more easily.

Rose's sweet voice issued from the radio once again. Martin hissed at Slagar and Matthias, in such a violent manner both of them stopped laughing. Martin's eyes glazed over. "The weather here at the ORCC is sunny, with a high of eighty degrees today. A light breeze from the north, but that's to be expected. Those traveling east are advised that Clogg has had another birthday party and his current whereabouts are uncertain. All residents in that area are being advised by Badrang to check their wheelbarrows. Now over to the TORCCC."

Martin was mumbling things under his breath, blushing furiously. "Hi everybeast! This is Felldoh on the TORCCC, Traffic Over Redwall Canon Correction 'Copter. I'm covering the Salamandastron area today. Everything looks nice and smooth sailing for west-bounders at the interchange, but if you're eastbound, don't expect to get anywhere anytime soon.

"All lot of creatures are reacting to the rumor that the newest Redwall book will be called _Eulalia_. Most creatures are clearing out, not wanting to be evicted for a little while by the ORCC like last time. Especially since at least one badger lord is expected to need to be CCed by ORCC. I think we all remember what that was like last time, eh Rose?"

"Thanks Felldoh, we certainly do. Whatbeast was it, Gonff?" Methuselah finally couldn't take Martin's fevered gazing at the radio, hoping Rose would magically appear from it. He turned it off. Slagar and Matthias, who had gotten out of the golf cart in order to conceal their laughter from Martin, frowned at Methuselah.

"Come _on_, Methuselah," whined Slagar. "You're no fun. We were enjoying that." Methuselah wrinkled his muzzle. Then he poked out his tongue impudently.

"Need I remind you we were going to an ORCC meeting?"

"_Fine_," Slagar huffed. Plopping back down into the driver's seat, he took the car out of neutral. Matthias clambered back into the passenger seat, having to thrust Martin out of the way to do so. Martin, still dazed, sat in his seat, muttering all the way to the meeting building.

Slagar drove up to the perimeter, stopping in front of a gate that blocked their path. Four beeps later, the gate lifted. Slagar parked, wiping a security pass through a parking meter. It beeped pleasantly at the group. It took both Methuselah and Matthias to support Martin into the lobby of the meeting building. Slagar walked up to a computer terminal at the front desk. Depositing a lovesick Martin into a chair, Matthias and Methuselah joined Slagar.

"What should we do with him, mates?" Matthias asked. All three looked over at Martin, who seemed to be trying to compose a love poem, based on his red face and trembling whiskers. The fact that he was holding a locket with a painting of Rose and was clasping his other paw across his heart was also a rather significant clue.

"Might as well take him with us." Slagar shrugged. "He doesn't seem like he'll do any harm." Methuselah look inclined to disagree, because Slagar had suggested the idea, but Matthias was already hauling Martin up the stairs. Slagar and Methuselah went to his side, and aided him in dragging the mouse warrior upwards. They reached the top of the staircase. Picking Martin up, Slagar carried him over to a small closet. Matthias entered the nearest room, and returned with a radio. Turning it to 67.2 CRAG, all three of them left a Martin that was serenely hugging the radio.

Methuselah locked the door as a precaution. The trio padded up two more flights of stairs to the main ORCC room. One wall was lined with TV's, all set to all the news stations in the ORCC world. Two other walls had large scrolling computer images blown up on them.

Matthias immediately rushed over to the head of ORCC. The pair was having an intense debate, while Slagar strolled over to where Cluny stood in front of the wall of TV's. He looked up as Slagar touched his shoulder. "What's wrong Cluny?" Slagar asked his one-time Chief. "I've never seen you this quiet."

Cluny used his infamous tail to point at the TV screen in question. A squirrelmaid on screen was busy hacking through the crowd indiscriminately with a shiny sword. Nobeast died, everyone in the ORCC world had already died, so it didn't matter that heads, limbs, and vital organs were being cut out. The ORCCers could still feel pain, however, as a defense mechanism to make sure creatures weren't injuring themselves without knowing it.

Slagar narrowed his eyes, squinting at the insane squirrelmaid running around on screen. "PORCCs have been dispatched to the scene, but the media's already got good coverage. Felldoh's flying the TORCCC over there now. He'll give us a live feed when he gets there."

The head of ORCC banged a gavel on the table. Everybeast present turned to face Mariel. "Please take a seat, everybeast," she said politely, gesturing to the rolling chairs surrounding the large wooden table in the center of the room. Cluny and Matthias sat on either side of Mariel. Leading down the table on Cluny's side were Slagar, Badrang, and Bane. And on Matthias's side sat Constance and Lady Amber, with an empty seat between the badger and squirrel. Opposite Mariel was Methuselah.

"Now, as I'm sure you all are becoming aware, we have the worst type of bad canon running around the ORCC world. The generic warrior with unmatchable fighting skills with no training. But this is worse than usual." Mariel tapped a few buttons on the laptop sitting in front of her. The TV screen Cluny and Slagar had been looking at enlarged, overriding the scrolling computer screens. The squirrelmaid was still attacking ORCCers relentlessly.

A green bar appeared at the bottom of the enlarged screen as Mariel turned up the volume. Over the panicked and annoyed yells and screams of the ORCCers, Slagar and Bane, with their well-developed senses of hearing, heard the squirrelmaid shouting something like "Kurda". This name was invariably followed by threats of pain, torture, and death.

Mariel looked expectantly up at the two foxes. They groaned and shook their heads. "She's the first female to ever carry Martin's sword." Bane reminded the group. "There's no possible way of stopping her. If we try anything, she'll call it sexism. Plus, since she's a generic warrior, she wouldn't listen to us anyway. She'd just attack us with her 'unmatchable skill'."

Lady Amber shrugged. "Can't we just contain her? She has not skill, other than that of a warrior, so have Slagar and Bane use their spying operations to drug her or something, and bring her into custody." While Lady Amber was speaking, Matthias shared a look with Slagar and Methuselah, Slagar shared a look with Matthias and Methuselah, and Methuselah shared a look with Matthias. Slagar and Matthias nodded to Methuselah. After Lady Amber had spoken her piece, Methuselah spoke:

"Matthias and myself may have a solution to our problems."

"As do I," added Slagar. Mariel tipped her head slightly towards Slagar in acknowledgement of Methuselah's feud with him.

"What is this plan?" Mariel inquired, looking at Matthias, the most neutral out of the trio of himself, Slagar, and Methuselah.

"Umm," Matthias stalled. "We could show you?" Mariel glanced around at the rest of the CORCC. All of them nodded approvingly, except for Slagar and Methuselah who had their doubts about whether this was a good idea at the moment.

In any case, Matthias led the group out the door and down to the second floor. Slagar caught up, pawing Matthias the key. Before he could open it, Mariel had pressed her ear to the door. She cocked an eyebrow at Matthias, Methuselah, and Slagar. "Why do I hear 67.2 CRAG on in there?"

Matthias exhaled deeply, almost a sigh, but mainly to steady himself. Turning the key Slagar had given him in the lock of the closet door, he was about to slowly pull it open. Methuselah hastily grabbed Matthias's wrist. "One moment, Matthias," he instructed. Turning to Badrang, he said, "You may want to prepare to be tackled or something." Badrang looked bemused, but nodded.

Methuselah then indicated to Matthias to open the closet door. It swung slowly open. Martin was still hugging his radio protectively. Rose was again giving her news spiel, and Martin was humming comfortingly to himself. When he finally realized the entire CORCC was standing over him, he looked up. Martin's gaze flickered from one committee member to the next, until his eyes locked with Badrang's. As Methuselah had predicted, Martin leapt at Badrang, drawing his sword.

Badrang didn't really try to stop the Bloodwrathed mouse. He looked down rather disinterested, watching his pancreas and liver plop out on the floor. Even though Badrang was feeling some pain, it was more like discomfort, like somebeast was poking him repeatedly in the gut. While Martin continued to remove Badrang's internal organs, Lady Amber called the PORCCs on her cell phone.

By the time Martin was trying to cut out Badrang's stomach, the PORCCs had arrived. The lead PORCC showed Lady Amber his badge. "Police and Paramedic of Redwall Canon Correction." He put his badge away. "I believe you called ma'am? What can we do for you today?" Lady Amber indicated the Bloodwrathed Martin, who was now attempting to extricate Badrang's heart out of his ribs. Now that all the creatures were normally proportioned in the ORCC world, Martin was having very little success.

Before the PORCCs went to stop Martin, Mariel stopped them. "Don't take him into custody. Just put Badrang back together." The PORCCs nodded. The three hedgehogs among them, grabbed Martin's arms and took his sword. They pulled him back as two otters and a mouse began to heal Badrang.

Healing was different in the ORCC world then in any other. In any other world, Badrang would have already bled to death. In the world of ORCC, blood stayed confined to veins and arteries, unless those were specifically cut; in that case, the hearts of creatures in the ORCC world could produce more blood at a high rate until the creature was healed and stopped bleeding. In Badrang's case, his organs were also out of his body. PORCCs were trained in this area. Let's just suffice it to say Badrang did not enjoy having his organs replaced in his body.

While Badrang was making rather unpleasant sounds, Cluny's cell phone went off. Going a little way down the hallway, he answered it. The first thing Felldoh said when Cluny answered was, "Nice ring tone."

Cluny glowered. "Matthias must have changed it," he mumbled.

"So Matthias must think 'You're a Barbie girl, in a Barbie wooo-oooorld.'"

"Shut up Felldoh!" Felldoh chuckled but said no more on that particular subject.

"Anyways," Felldoh said, getting back to business, "tell Mariel I can hook the CORCC up with a live feed of the 'rampant maid'."

"Will do," Cluny snapped, still slightly irate about his altered ring tone. Walking back to the group, who had luckily not heard his embarrassing ring tone, he got Mariel's attention. "Felldoh has the live feed ready to go in the main meeting room."

Mariel called out to the group, "Felldoh has the live feed set up. Let's go see it." The CORCC, as one, glanced over to the hedgehogs holding Martin, and then looked to Mariel. "Better bring him too," she said. "He might be able to do something. But we can take him up ourselves." She bowed to the hedgehogs, who bowed back. Cluny and Constance took Martin, keeping him as far away from Badrang – who was still grimacing from the unpleasant experience of having his organs ripped out and put back – as possible.

Suddenly, Cluny's phone rang again. The piercing vocals of "Barbie Girl" rang down the hallway. Everybeast snickered, except Methuselah who wasn't snickering because Slagar was and Martin who wasn't snickering because Badrang was. Cluny glared at the CORCC and Martin, flipping the phone open. Cluny could hear Felldoh smiling on the other end of the line. "Couldn't help myself, Cluny," he said cheerfully. "I just had to hear that song again."


	3. OTAT: Merry Christmahanukkah!

**Review Replies: **Yay! I finally got more reviews. Thanks guys.

**Kelaiah: **Hmm, I thought I read on a jacket summary thing of _Triss_ that said she was the first female to carry Martin's sword. I'll address your other sexism comment in a later chapter. If you really want, I can explain, in depth, why there is sex discrimination is Mossflower. Just let me know. Mariel's the boss of CORCC because I wanted it to be a girl, and she was the only remotely non-Sue one I could think of. The chapter title came from "Barbie Girl", but it originally came from when I was re-watching the Nirvana Redwall episodes on youtube, and I found it funny that Cluny wore a pink tunic and a purple cloak.

There _is _sex discrimination in Mossflower. Let me know and I'll prove it.

**Insane Logic: **Thanks for the review! I'm glad you think it's funny; I thought this would actually turn out horribly. Nice penname by the way.

**nebula212255: **Wow, I'm really flattered. And thanks for the ideas. I'll try to work them into this chapter. And thanks for catching the typo for me. I'll be sure to change it on my copy of it.

**A/N: **Please don't hurt me for not updating. I needed to get a third of the way through _Blood Ties_, and now I'm having semi-writer's block on that until I update this one. And I apologize in advance for the unfunniness of this chapter.

**Disclaimer:** ORCC entities belong solely to me; if you take it, I will pie you in the face, and then lock you in a room with Martin. However, I don't own any characters from the books, so don't throw _me_ into any rooms with Martin. I also don't own Charlie the Unicorn. Jason Steele does. If he doesn't want people to use it, he shouldn't make something so annoyingly funny and stupid. I don't own Spongebob Squarepants. Nickelodeon does, and I think some guy named Meriwether.

**The Misadventures of Martin's Sword**

**Part One: Of Trouble and Troubadours**

**Chapter Two: Merry Christmahanukkah!**

Rose hit a switch on the soundboard and popped off her headphones, ignoring the annoying commercials now echoing throughout the studio that she had just turned on. Gonff took his headphones off as well. He watched Rose as she set her paws behind her head and plopped both footpaws on the table, which was littered with random papers, scripts, and coffee mugs. "Rose, what's the point of our headphones?" he asked.

Rose had closed both eyes, but opened one to look at Gonff. "I dunno," she mumbled. "To make us feel important, I guess."

Gonff took a sip of his caffeinated drink. Unsatisfied, he looked down at the remaining black liquid swirling in his mug. Tipping the mug back, the mouse downed the coffee that was left. His pupils dilated and he giggled. "Well, t'at's goo' enou' fer da Prince o' Mouset'ieves," he slurred.

Rose muttered something under her breath about how she preferred creatures as Marty Stus. She ignored Gonff as he bounced around the studio, making rocket sounds. She suddenly looked around as the room fell silent, except, of course, for a commercial advertising the best thing since sliced bread. "Oof!" Rose looked down.

Gonff the Prince of Sugar Highs was sitting on Rose's knee. "Get off me, you great lump," Rose snapped, trying to shove the fat little mouse off her lap.

"Rose, d'you know wha' Gonff wan's fer Christmas?" the mousethief asked.

"A menorah. I don't know Gonff."

Gonff giggled. "Wou' it be a _shin' _menorah?" Rose groaned and rolled her eyes. She leaned back in her chair, trying to dislodge Gonff. The mouse responded by hugging the mousemaid tightly about her waist.

"Rosieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?"

"What Gonff?" Rose growled impatiently.

"All I reawwy wan' fer Christmas is…."

"Don't tell me. A magical leopluradon."

"No, siwwy Rosie. All I reawwy wan' fer Christmas is _you_." Gonff grinned an obnoxious Spongebob-like grin, planting his face in front of Rose's.

"And all _I_ want for Christmas is a magical sword to 'accidentally' stab somebeast with."

Gonff hopped off Rose and bounced up and down on his footpaws. "Mar'in da Warrur has a magiqwul sword."

Rose stood up and began to back towards the door. "I'll go talk to him, Gonff. Right now. I'll be back, er, later. Right, later. Lots later."

"Okay, Rosie." Rose backed up, one paw feeling behind her. It connected with the wooden door. She felt desperately for the knob. Finally, it clicked open as Gonff frantically waved goodbye.

She slammed the door shut, barring it with a table outside the studio. As the mousemaid turned around, she ran into a stunningly beautiful squirrelmaiden, who was hefting a large sword quite easily in one paw. Rose watched the physically impossible feat for a few moments.

"You do know that's impossible right?" Rose asked warily. She glanced over her shoulder, deciding that retreating back into the studio where Gonff was now ballet dancing with a sparkly pink tutu was probably a bad decision. Probably.

The squirrelmaiden gave the mousemaid a smile, complete with an inexplicable glint off a front tooth, and ignored Rose's comment. "I'm Trisscar Swordmaid. I'm looking for Princess Kurda the Pure Ferret. Could you please tell me where she is?"

"Um. Kurda? I don't think she's been CCed," stalled Rose. She tried to act nonchalant as she groped in a tunic pocket for her cell phone.

"Oh, but please, I must find her. She killed my father, because I was too young to fight."

_Nine-_

"And brutally slaughtered my best friend."

"I'm going to brutally slaughter you in a minute," muttered Rose.

_Nine-_

Triss opened her mouth to continue, but was cut off as Rose's paw was hovering over the one. A high-pitched scream rent the room and another squirrelmaiden came bounding in – who looked exactly like the Triss Rose had just been speaking with. Triss One whirled her sword expertly, as Triss Two let a slingstone fly. Triss One deflected with her swordblade, screaming wordlessly. Triss Two had loaded another stone and was trying to whack her twin with it. Triss One preformed a mid-air summersault, landing easily on both footpaws behind Triss Two. Rose leapt forward, her own sling humming. Triss One felled her twin with a vicious strike from behind. Triss Two crumpled, holding her side. Rose took advantage of her opening and slammed her sling full into Triss One's face.

Triss One stumbled backward a pace. Rose took hold of Triss Two around the waist and tried to drag the proportional, and therefore gigantic, squirrel back. "Gonff," she shrieked at the top of her lungs. The sugar-high mousethief landed a pirouette awkwardly in the studio, not paying the slightest attention to the fight outside. Rose dropped the injured Triss Two, but grabbed the squirrelmaiden's sling. Using both vine weapons, she defended the pair from the onslaught of sword strikes. Finally, in desperation, Rose threw a still-spinning sling at Triss One, placed the free paw against her throat, and sounded her eagle call.

Gonff looked out the studio window for the first time. His pupils shrank to normal size, and he bodily hurled himself against the door. The table Rose had put in front of it rattled, but did not move enough. The expert lock-pick knelt down and did something highly improbable with the door's hinges. He pulled the door backwards. Leaping out, Gonff bounded over the table and hauled Triss Two into the studio. "Now, Rose," he yelled.

The mousemaid spun around and threw herself into the studio. Gonff attacked the door again, and quickly undid whatever he had done. Rose knelt down by Triss Two. "I'm all right," muttered T.T. quietly.

"Shh," Rose soothed as she peeled back T.T.'s tunic. There was a thin layer of chainmail underneath, which had protected T.T. from most of the impact of T.O.'s blow. Rose gently clinked that layer out of the way, and revealed a patch of congealing blood.

Rose continued working on T.T., but was interrupted as Gonff moaned, "Aw, we're outta coffee."

Rose nodded her head at the window. "D'you really wanna go back out there and get some more?"

T.O. was trying unsuccessfully to hack through the Sue-proof door that led to the studio. As the two mice watched her, the phone outside rang. Both gasped and screamed helplessly as T.O. answered the phone. Gonff read her lips as she spoke. "She's telling that story again, Rose. Do something."

Rose flinched and hauled out her cell phone. She hit the speed dial for Slagar's phone.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Mariel put her cell phone on speaker and held it up so the entire CORCC could hear it. Everybeast expected Rose or Gonff's voice. Several pairs of eyes narrowed as a female, but un-Rose-like voice sobbed out, "Hello?"

"Er, Rose, this is Mariel. Felldoh just played a childish prank," Mariel took the opportunity to glare at Slagar and Matthias as well, "and lost Triss in the process. Can you make an announcement on the station and ask for any callers to let us know if they see her?"

"Let me tell you a story," sobbed the voice.

Everybeast looked at each other. Triss began her tale. Five minutes later everybeast was writhing on the ground, clutching their ears. Triss let forth another volley of sickly sweet sadness. "NOT STORYTIME!" Slagar screamed. "ANYTHING BUT THAT. PLEASE!"

The masked fox felt his phone vibrate against his side. Panting heavily, he struggled to flip it open. "_Slagar_," he gasped.

Rose yelled directly into the speaker of her phone. "Slagar, Triss is here! Slagar! Listen to me!"

"Unh," Slagar moaned, trying to focus on the more normal-sounding voice that wasn't babbling about misery.

"There're two Trisses, and we need to find out why." Slagar moaned again, succumbing to T.O.'s voice.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Rose looked helplessly at Gonff. "Slagar isn't focusing. That Mary Sue's got the whole CORCC under her control. We need to stop her." Rose glanced swiftly out the window. "But neither of us would stand a chance if we went back out there."

"Do your eagle call."

"What?"

"I heard it through the glass, so Triss will too. Give me your phone and I'll talk to Slagar."

"And what am I supposed to do once my voice gives out?" Rose panicked.

"You'll think of something, mate." Gonff took Rose's phone. The mousemaid held a trembling paw to her throat. The eagle call blasted throughout the studio and into the room where Triss One was standing.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Everybeast on the CORCC stopped screaming. Instead of that happy, yet sobbing, voice, they heard Rose's muffled eagle call. Mariel scrambled quickly forward and slammed the phone shut. Silence reigned in the corridor.

"We're alive!" Bane shouted. Everybeast stood up and began to whirl each other in happy circles, able to think once more. As Constance and Cluny spun each other around, Cluny tripped over Martin. The stricken mouse warrior was fumbling with Mariel's phone.

"Rose, come back, Rose," he blubbered.

"For the love of Dark Forest," swore Cluny. He yanked Mariel's phone away from Martin. "If you say that name one more time, why, I'll-"

"Shut up everybeast!" yelled Slagar over the din. Everybeast shut up. "Listen to Rose." He hit a button on his phone's keypad.

Rose's voice filled the corridor. "Does anybeast know how Triss split into two different squirrels? The second one is in here with me and Gonff. She's normal and un-Sueish."

Mariel looked thoughtful. "Well, Triss's personality must have split when she came into the ORCC world."

"You're saying she's schizophrenic," asked Methuselah with interest.

"Not quite," answered Mariel. "She didn't come into ORCC in an authorized manner, so the universe change caused her to split. It's a self-defense mechanism we had installed. The goal is to split any unauthorized creatures into at least two less dangerous ones. In this case, Triss split into good and evil." Mariel smiled wryly. "Or normal and Mary Sue."

"Wait, did you say _at least_ two, Mariel?" Rose asked fearfully.

"Oh, Dark Forest," swore Cluny again. "There're more of those things?"

Gonff had taken the phone from Rose. "Don't worry, Cluny. We may be out of coffee, but we can fend her off with the shiny menorah Rose is giving me for Christmas!"


End file.
